We are only a few months in. Goodness, we haven’t even finished our home study and I already feel like God is teaching me so much. I’m understanding parts of His character in ways I never really have before. There’s this whole part of Him that’s spontaneous and unstructured. Characteristics that I don’t relate to very well.
Most significantly, I have finally realized that I am not in control. It seems so simple, like duh! But it’s true. For pretty much my whole life I have been telling God that I trust Him, then I create a plan, structure and a to-do list. Those things aren’t necessarily bad. There is definitely a place for them, but I’m realizing that I trusted my plan more than I trusted God. I thought I was putting my faith in Him, but really I was finding comfort in my plan.
With this adoption we can’t set a goal and then create a detailed plan to get there. All we can do is complete the next step and pray while we wait for the next thing. This baby could come tomorrow or a year from tomorrow, no amount of planning on my part is going to reveal a step-by-step path.
I have to let go.
So, I’m learning to live open-handed. I’m learning to tell God what I’m hoping for and planning on, and live each day with open hands. I’m allowing him to take things away and change them around. One by one He’s prying my fingers off my plans and He’s teaching me to let go of this perceived control. As terrifying as it feels right now, I can already sense the freedom it actually provides.
Friends, I hope you’re living an open-handed life. There really is nothing more freeing than realizing that we are not in control. This life, it’s not up to us. Thank goodness for our God! He holds this entire world in the palm of His hand, watching over it all. Not only is He caring for the entire world, but He’s in control of each little detail of each one of our lives. We can let go because nothing we could ever plan or create could come close to the life He’s creating for us. Let’s step back and enjoy it.
This letting go thing…well, I have to make the decision to unclench my fists each day. I don’t always do it well, or at all, but He just keeps giving me grace upon grace, showing me that the open-handed life is really the only true life.
We’re still in the home study process. We’re so very close to finishing the paperwork and then we will start the first round of interviews. Once those are finished our home will be officially opened!
We are still waiting to be matched with a birth mother. Please pray that we will be matched quickly and pray for the birth mom as she makes this decision.